


'Why are you here?'-Koenig

by Senithsteradian



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:48:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Senithsteradian/pseuds/Senithsteradian
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	'Why are you here?'-Koenig

‘Coulson’.  
Absurdly, she had an urge to giggle when she said it. It was a fleeting urge, easily controlled, but it was there nonetheless. It put into perspective just how many times she had lied to herself and others about the reason she was so easily convinced when Fury asked her to keep an eye on Coulson.  
Its not like she didn’t know it. For all the lying, concealing and subversion, she knew by now that the only way that she could continue to live her life in some semblance of normalcy was to be honest to herself. And she knew, even in the moment when Maria had pulled her aside and told her of his death, that she would do anything, would give anything, to be in his presence for another moment. So when the opportunity presented itself, she didn’t flinch. She had orders ,yes, but as good of a soldier May was, she was never the hopeless fanatic that Phil could be when it came to SHIELD and Fury. “The soul of SHIELD was in all of the people who believed in its purpose”, Phil had said once. But May didn’t believe in souls. Or she thought she didn’t, till she began to worry at every waking moment, that Phil’s might have been taken away from him.

She watched for signs, every day on the plane, signs that it wasn’t the same Phil, or that something was different. And it was, Phil was very, very different. But he was also the same, and she began to, slowly but surely, start believing in a soul. What else could it be that made a man, who had stared death in the face, lost, and been forced to stand up again, still be able, and willing to stare into the abyss over and over again. Melinda had seen death. She chose to walk with it everyday, and the thought of it sometimes provided an unexpected comfort. All of this, her life’s work, would eventually have a finish line, an end, and in that moment, she knew that she would embrace it. Oh, she would fight till she couldn’t anymore, she would never just give up, but she had been far too close to the touches of death to be anything but summarily awed by its enormity. And Phil had seen it too, had been changed by it, had witnessed its power, but he was denied its embrace. But he still had a soul.

May never panicked. It was an odd quirk, one she never really had to work on. A naturally calm disposition, an unreadable face, and years of training had made fear practically unnoticeable to her. She never panicked, because that would be too dangerous, cloud her judgement, hinder her ability to protect. But everyday since she knew that she would need to protect him, slowly, fear creeped in. It was bit my bit, and she didn’t notice till one day she couldn’t breathe right. The next day a new Phil Coulson asked her to drive his bus.  
When she slowly began acknowledging this fear, albeit slightly unwillingly, she understood that it was not because she was afraid that Phil would be different. It was that they had grown so apart, that she wouldn’t know either way. She was trusted with a duty, a duty to protect Coulson from himself if it came to it, but fear sapped into every pore when she thought about how she was so far removed from normal emotion that she could never tell when that would be. And so she sought comfort in ways that she would only do under extreme circumstances. Ward was never a mistake to her, he was calculated, and predictable, and for a while after being with him, she felt unafraid, clear about her position and what she had to do. Her lack of feeling for him made it easier for her to get a clean slate.

  
She would do pretty much anything for Phil Coulson. She would watch his back, reopen old wounds, betray his trust, and accept his rejection. She would even sit in a chair, and voluntarily admit out loud that the only reason that she was still a member of SHIELD was Coulson.


End file.
